I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
