so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
