ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
