My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
