i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
