I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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