I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I could fuck to npr.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
