Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
