I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize