what day is it and did you see me today?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
