____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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