why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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