We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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