Please, let me fuck your mom
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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