You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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