There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
