So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
