He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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