the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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