don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
