You just made me feel so damn special
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
