I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
