So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I can't turn off my feet"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
