Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize