god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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