Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Randomize
