i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize