I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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