I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I want a musical about memes.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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