Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
