Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize