Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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