Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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