I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Did I show you my penis last night?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
