i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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