Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
In America we eat man semen.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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