you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
