Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
try to milk me bitch
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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