But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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