i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
