why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
