Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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