Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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