From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
