All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
