i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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