I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
