so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
