Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
