I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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