then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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