Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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