if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
