Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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