My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you had me at cake vodka
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
