people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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