Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
