This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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