So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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