I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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