We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
