my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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