i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
