who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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