I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
