Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
