i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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