Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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